Excuse the interlude, we will momentarily bring you back to your regularly scheduled programming.
I have never before felt like I do right now. I don’t even know how to describe it. I want to rip, cut, tear, burn, and destroy every part of myself so that I can rebuild it all and start again. I no longer want to be the boy who blocked his own shot. I don’t want to be fated to pretend. But I am these things. And more. I have never been so alone, and yet so surrounded by people, in my life. It’s crazy the difference that one person can make. And it’s a horrible moment of realization when they tell you that you don’t do the same for them.
I want to be strong. I want to be everything that everyone thinks that I’m not. Whatever people say I am, that’s what I’m not.
I have hardly slept at all in the past 36 hours. I am sun burnt all over my body and today, I actually swam in a lake. A fucking lake! Not some clean, soft, beach type lake either, but a dirty, sea-weedy, jagged edged stone cutting, lake. And I liked it.
I’m not a person who gets mad. That is to say that I never get mad. Nor do I get even. And that’s wrong. I shouldn’t be like that. I should get fucking angry. I should tell people when they’re hurting me. When they’re crushing me. That what they’re doing is wrong. That they’re selfish. But I think that by doing so, I’m just as guilty as they are of the same crime. I’m doing something to help me. I’m being selfish. As much as I may want to, and as capable of change as I am, I know that I will never be able to change into an angry person. And for the rest of my life people are always going to use that against me.
I can barely listen to popular music right now.
Didn’t anyone ever tell those people who say that love can be forgotten that true love can never be forgotten? It can only be mourned or endured.
I want to be that old couple. The one I saw at the Bingo hall the other day. He was rubbing her back with his hand, comforting her at intervals throughout the night. What is that like? What is it like to know that you make someone else happy?
I don’t even care that that same couple from the Bingo hall is the one that told on my friend and I. That we were being too loud and laughing at the sheer insanity of how everyone in that place takes fucking BINGO so seriously. I want to feel as safe as they felt, in a place that they enjoyed together. And if I felt like that, I really wouldn’t want some douchey, fuckin inebriated kids messing that up for me either. I can be such a tool.
Did I mention that I’m going to see Tool, Tuesday night?
I have a hundred different voices going on in my head right now and the only one that I want to hear is the one that will no longer talk to me.
I no longer know if I was ever loved by someone who was not conditioned to love me through my own birth.
But I remember sitting on that windowsill in the bar and hearing those words for the first time. “I love you.” They were so quiet. I wasn’t supposed to hear. But I did. How I felt then was the exact opposite of how I feel right now. But it remains a memory that I will always cherish.
Love Can Be Forgotten, Life Can Always Start Up New
Yeah, I could get used to that idea.
To be continued, one day…
Saturday, August 1st 2009 11:20pm
